well warriorwoman is back from the battle field and only slightly scarred.
i have spent the past month in scotland looking up relatives and kilts.
just kidding.
i don’t have any scottish relatives.
did look up a kilt though.
but that’s a whole other story.

it’s so weird to re enter your own country and feel like an outsider.
so weird.
everything was unfamiliar to me and people talked too fast.
cars drove too fast.
and all the street signs and business signs looked like they were written in a foreign language.
i was just a little discombuberated.

i’ve been home now for a week and all is returning to normal.
at least i don’t feel like i just got off the red eye from mars.

and cats???
yippee they’re all fantastic.
all cats are well and eating me out of house and home.
blah.
i’ve taken to referring to fluffy as 1800.
that’s his new nickname – 1800.
cause his vet bills all totaled $1800.
shit.
but i love my cat(s) and would pay it again and again and again.
no regrets.
it was worth it to come home and see his black furry face again.
to have him sleep on my shoulder and dig his claws into my arm – can’t buy that stuff.
oh, no, wait a minute, I DID.

i am very tired though, over the next few days i will write about the squat house i came home to and the bags of shit on the balcony and blah blah blah.

it’s good to be home – mu homies.

fluffy looks much better today. the vet had called me at work to say he looked depressed and it was as if he had given up. i went to see him after work and she reported he was looking much better. she figured out that he didn’t want that bandage thing on his leg and he didn’t want to be in the cage. he kept talking to her while she was working on her charts and making phone calls.

when i picked him up he was his old self and trying to escape so he could explore. he really doesn’t like being in a cage and he’s worried that i’ll leave him there and that he’s lost his home. i tried to explain it to him but he wasn’t listening. he understands very little english, words like ‘tuna, mouses and dinner’ he gets but “i’m not leaving you here” doesn’t seem to make it through to him.
oh well.

thank you all for the support, i needed it.

and now, unfortunately, i’m off to the battle field again. fluffy is staying with a friend of mine who will have his hands full, fluffy is currently on 6 meds. !!! (i left him with two bottles of scotch – for the pain of course)

i’ll be back in 5 weeks, talk at you then and thanks again.

i woke up yesterday morning at 5:20 reached over to pet fluffy’s head and he screamed in pain.

here we go again, round two.

this time there was no waiting. i jumped out of bed, called the emergency vet place and told them we were on our way, threw on something from the laundry basket and ran out the door with him.

at the emergency vet place she said yes he’s blocked and they can start his treatment there and then i had to take him to his vet cause they’re only open after hours. i did not know this. i said go ahead and went to the front desk to pay for fluffy, i’m thinking less than 200.00. wrong.
the bill is 350.00 and has to be paid now. i had that much it’s just that i like to eat too.

me – i don’t have that much money on me
dingbat – well the bill has to be paid now and we are closing at 8:00
me – well what do i do?
dingbat stares blankly at me
me – seriously i don’t have that much money on me and i don’t know what to do right now

the dingbat calmly and almost proudly tells me that if i can’t pay the bill they’ll humanely euthanize him. my turn to stare blankly.

I’M THINKING I WILL EUTHANIZE YOU BITCH AND THERE WON’T BE ANYTHING HUMANE ABOUT IT.

“gimme back my cat NOW!”

i paid for his pain shot and what it cost to enter the building. that’s what i call the vets examination fee.
i put him in a taxi once again and by the time we got to his vets they had just opened at 7:30.
she wasn’t surprised to see me cause they told me when i got him back last saturday that the first time didn’t usually take and he’d probably have a relapse.

what am i gonna do if he keeps having relapses, if he doesn’t really get any better.
i know the answer is obvious, i just don’t want to hear it.

this time round:
14.00 taxi to don’t-take-your-pet-to-this-place emergency vet
57.00 pain shot and honour to walk in the door fee.
28.00 taxi from don’t-take-your-pet-to-this-place emergency vet to his regular vet

and i don’t want to know how much this adds on to his already huge bill at the vets.

i just want my cat back.

it was a long week last week. i realized i hate my job, the jokers at work are a bunch of jokers, i work with idiots and i nearly lost my cat.

i pulled an all nighter last monday and came home tue morning to a very sick fluffy. called the vet and they said he could come in at 2:30′ish. like a fucking idiot i waited until then to take him in instead of going right away and telling them they needed to look at him.
he was on the bed and not moving much, he was in pain and ………..i’m an idiot.

by the time it got around to his appointment he was nearly dead. i was in the waiting room with him and just the way he hung his head i knew he had accepted death as the outcome that day and he was waiting for the grimm reaper. the vet looked at him around 3pm, said he had crystals, he had about 4 hours left to live and they needed to operate now.

i lost it at the words “four hours left to live” – someone was going to take my cat away from me and i didn’t hear anything after that. there was talk of estimated costs and consent forms and blah blah blah.

fast forward a couple of hours and he made it through surgery, he was awake and groggy and i could see him. it was pathetic, he had a purple bandage on his black paw holding a tube in place. he had another one taped to his tail that went into his bird (yes – bird) and it was draining pee and blood. and i lost it again.

he’s back home now after 5 days in the hospital. and it’s four medications and special food and……….. i watch him like a hawk.

he’s been wobbly on his paws since he got home, we went back for a check-up yesterday and the vet said it’s his medications that are making him that way. it’s kind of funny to watch him stagger about, he looks like a drunken sailor.

not so funny was when i called the vet after his first night there to check up on him. she said she came in that morning to find him with all his tubes pulled out and him sitting there smiling at her. yeah that’s my cat.

vet bill $909.81

i would have said go ahead and fix him if she had quoted me $9000.00

i’ve been on a self imposed time-out. yup, had enough of the world and took a vacation. i haven’t been out much either, except for some shop therapy with witchypoo. i’ve hardly been out for groceries, haven’t even been to the gym in two weeks. also didn’t go to taekwandoe or kickboxing.
i know what the problem is, i ate something i shouldn’t have over a month ago. it knocked me sideways enough so that i lost all my energy and went antisocial and lost interest in life. i don’t know if it was dairy or wheat but it got me good, it’s only this past few days that i’ve felt like doing anything.
i literally didn’t care if the world blew up around me. this is the problem with my food issues, it doesn’t kill me it turns me into the living dead.

and that’s it, here i am again. i have lunch on the stove, the laundry is all done and i’m planning a run later this afternoon. my round with food issues this time added 15 lbs. that’s 15 more than the 8 i gained from quitting smoking and 15 more than i wanted. i’m not disgusted or defeated or mad, i’m tired. i really didn’t need this BUT i have a plan. today is labour day and my gym is closed so starting tomorrow i’m back in the weight room and i’m gonna try to run every day. at the end of this year dec 31 i plan to be 199 lbs. that’s 16 weeks and 3 days to lost 32 lbs, roundabouts.

hope i lose more than my mind in the next 16 weeks.

i don’t have much choice on this one either cause i threw out all my fat clothes and now nothing fits – again. so a shrinking i go.

i was up early this morning, up before that big fireball rises in the sky. or well yeah, we rotate our asses around enough to see the thing. anyway the temperature is not so bad then. i got the furballs all medicated and fed. medicated myself and sat down to a breakfast of chicken. when you’re gluten, dairy and egg intolerant breakfast becomes like dinner at 8am. sucks to be me. chicken was good though.

fireball…….furball, aren’t they similar. both will burn you. the furballs get me at the vets. if anyone mentions pet insurance i will bar you from this blog. just sayin.

i’m at starbucks writing this, a woman just got up and walked out with her friend, she was wearing a denim skirt. i notice cause it’s the only time i’ve ever seen a denim skirt look good on anyone. i love people watching. i love coffee too. and i love starbucks,  it’s a great place to do two of my favourite things.

anyway, back at the cat………
the vet thinks he’s allergic to his food and that’s why he throws up every day. the puke had a red wine color to it and thats when i decided it was time to get him to see the vet. i was going to take her a sample of his puke but thought no, that’s disgusting. so i took a picture of it instead. the vet enjoyed the photo. funny things interest medical peoples. i told her about his diaherra and now she wants a sample. $40 for the poop peek, i know shit stinks but i didn’t know it was profitable. she prescribed a hypoallergenic food for him, it’s gluten free, dairy free, and egg free. i said “so i can eat it?”
yes folks he is my cat.

the exam was – $68, poop test – $40, laxitive – more $’s, special food – $28, taxes – more $’s again. had to buy some toy mice for fluffy – $10, as he’s lost all his under the sofa and the kitchen stove and i’m too hot or too lazy or both to go find them. i left the vets having paid a whopping $176 plus change.

love my cat.

as much as i love coffee.

when you’re me life is interesting. i imagine when you’re not me life is also interesting. but this is me and this is my kind of interesting.

i spent some time this weekend with an old friend. we used to work together, that’s where we met. she was fine in those early days of our friendship. now – not so much. she’s had a lot of anxiety. she’s also had a lot of therapy and drugs. she still has anxiety.

up until this weekend i hadn’t seen her for a couple of months. life just works out that way sometimes.

i have to be on guard when i’m around her cause she’s passive agressive control. she is a wonderful person and i don’t think she even realizes she’s trying to control everything around her. including moi.
i have to be careful with my opinions and then just agree with whatever opinion she has as soon as she has it and then the day goes much better. it’s a small thing, it avoids headaches and possible arguments.
as i said, she’s a wonderful person and i wouldn’t trade her for money.

here’s the part about being interesting to be me. after i leave her company my mind races. i get all this crap rushing at my head and it’s so fast and furious i can hardly pick out a specific thing. it’s jumbled together, twisted almost like braided rope fibers. the one thing that is clear after a day spent in her company is the preoccupation with fear. the thought of being at the mercy of another, having someone pulling my strings, being controlled. the fear of some unknown faceless force that will take over and swallow me up. the complete loss of control of myself to the unknown. and i can’t put a face on it so i can’t face it down, i can’t control it. 

her mother is a witch and she herself has the ability to be “interesting” but, she isn’t interested.
i am left to wonder if there are voices from the other side who are knocking on her door and it’s the noise of all that knocking that’s creating her anxiety and she doesn’t know it.

who’s your best friend?

what is a best friend? is it the friend you like most of all your friends? is it the friend you hang out with the most? the friend you spend the most time with?

what do you do with friends you don’t want anymore? is there a recycle bin for them like there is for clothes? if you no longer want to know this person, if they’re messing with your fucking life can you just drop them off somewhere?

this question came to mind last thursday night when i was having a late supper with such a friend. we had left our martial arts class and were sitting in our favourite steakhouse waiting for dinner. you can bring a friend to class to try it, see if they like it before they sign up. so my friend  brought a new co-worker with her. this nice, pleasant, completely unknown to me, person started talking to me as if she already knew me. what the fuck? who is she and how does she know so much about me? where did she get this information?

a second later it all became clear when my friend chimed in with even more details about my day to day existance. the idiot told her a shit load of crap about my life and they’d only met at work 3 days ago.
w h a t  t h e  f u c k???

but then i should have known cause she’s told all about another friend, with her health problems, and her wonderful husband, and their two kids and dog and two cats, blah blah blah mindless insignificant dribble - in great detail. she never shuts up. she’s told me, oh lets see, maybe for the 6th or 7th time every stupid story she can think of about their lives. i’ve lost count.

sitting there at the table was pretty uncomfortable. i didn’t know why at first, the nakedness of it all, i don’t know. later, on my own, with time to think, it became clear i had no control over the situation. i had no say in what information this person had access to, i wasn’t the one giving it up, someone else was. and as a result i couldn’t control what she thought of me or my life.
i was not the one painting the picture of me, my friend was.

what would you do?

all i wanted was to go to starbucks and write, surf the internet, drink double cappuccinos and watch the world go by.
so that’s what i did.
i didn’t get to the laundry, i didn’t mop the hardwood floors, i didn’t buy cat food, i didn’t call people, i didn’t do anything.
did i mention that i’m on vacation.
i feel kinda like i’m thumbing my nose at the world. and tonight i had a homer simpson moment where i ate too much and passed out.
i do like this vacation thing.

i like people watching, i like looking into their world, observing their lives, rewriting sometimes. i like playing god. then i shake my head and it’s over.

people will tell you lots about themselves by what they wear, how they stand, how they sit, walk, talk blah blah blah.
but mostly i like when they’re quiet.
they’ll tell you how insecure they are by how they dress, tell you how easy it is to intimidate them by how they stand and such. I love people watching. i like to find a housewife and rewrite her life if she never got married and had children.

yesterday was a weird day.

i’m at starbucks on my second soy extra hot double cappuccino and the washrooms are both broken.

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!