hi ho

i’m fat,

to the gym i go

hi ho

hi ho

hi ho.

that rhymes right?

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and now i’m back from that torture place. i met up with my weight trainer who tells me that since i’ve been away for a few months that picking up with my last program was not a good idea. no wonder i was wiped out on friday and couldn’t get off the sofa. so now i have a new program that isn’t quite so hard and i might just make it to the weekend.

life is good.

so shower time and then the prince of persia and then to check out the new bbq place in town. sometimes the life of a single girl is ok.

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so the movie was great. it was one chase scene after another, i don’t think it will win any awards but it was good fun to watch.

the Q was ok. they got the the pulled pork and brisket right but flopped on the beef ribs. stupid me i should have known better, should have ordered the pig ribs not the cow ribs. ah well.

am tired now, body weary, muscle aching, been to the gym, kinda tired. tomorrow is another day and i’ll do it all over again.

this has been a long week - a long week of avoiding the idiot supervisor. he left our office for a day of training at another branch and the word on the street is “who is this idiot?”
now, how do people like him get promoted???
confuses the fuck out of me.

also this week i made my way back to the gym and it hasn’t changed, still smells like sweat, still has the odd old person in an outfit not suited to him and still has people who get in my way. if i won the lotto not only would i go to a fat farm and pay them not to let me out until i was skinny, i’d build my own gym. a place where i could have the workout gear first, no waiting. at all.

seriously what ever made the old guy think a sagging tank top and baggy shorts would look good on him.

anyway.

summer is here. so are the bugs. lets hear it for winter!!!
only 4 months to go and i can watch the leaves fall off the trees as the cold fall wind cuts across my face. can’t wait…….

fuck champix.

i called it quits, not to the ciggies but to the meds. that stuff is whacked. i was completely miserable. i felt like a little kid who couldn’t find his mother. couldn’t sleep, ate too much, no energy and in the end didn’t quit smoking.
don’t do it, this stuff is sick. it’s not worth it, i’d rather be a skinny smoker than a fat non smoker. that stuff left me so tired and depressed that i couldn’t get off my ass. i dragged myself around all day, took a bus home from work instead of walking, never saw the inside of the gym and then laid on the sofa and watched tv all evening. what a fucking waste of my time.

and that’s been my week.

she tells me that a cousin died at age 61. heart attack. her second one. i barely knew her but i was in her house once or twice. i remember her as a large woman who ruled with an iron fist. even the toughest of us cannot argue with death in the end.

i have often thought of friends and death and who will be the first of us to return to that big light first. then i thought of my death and i think i will go quietly with no funeral, no flowers and no coffin. just roasted and sprinkled on my neighbours yard in the dark of night when they’re all asleep. can i get away with that? will my lawyer do it?

maybe if i pay him enough.

it’ll be my last act of “piss on the lousy neighbours” before they come in and rob the place after i’m dead. maybe i’ll piss on all my stuff before the big end.
ha ha that’ll get em.

but it’s mothers day and despite it all she did give us life. i suppose i owe her something.

seriously though i have been away a lot. work!

my friend lost her cat this week, he lived 18 years and he was an outdoor cat so i consider him lucky he lived that long. she’s not so good. it will take some time to get over.

i have been trying to quit smoking and this champix stuff really does work. i have completely lost interest in cigarettes, it’s like a wonder drug. of course in a couple of years after i’ve grown an extra arm and started walking backwards, speaking only in gibberish the drug may not seem so fantastic.
today however is quite the different story. it’s great not to have to dish out all that money for ciggies.
now comes the question, what will i do with all that extra cash?

speaking of felines, my black one is now 20 lbs. that’s 20. twen-t. a big 2-0. soon i won’t be able to lift him and the vet will have my head for feeding him so well.
at the moment he is sitting in the window swatting at the sun catcher.

this champix has different effects on people. before i started i heard stories of nightmares, sadness, irritability blah blah blah.
well my nightmares? only had two. so i feel ripped off there. for a person who doesn’t dream this was ok with me. i was enjoying them. bummer.

and as for all the rest, i got stomach cramps and well i’m not sure if i can blame the bitchiness on champix but hey why not. so add the bitch from hell to the list.

in other news: you know you spend too much time at starbucks when you get to the counter and the girl rhymes off your order and gives you the price as she holds out her hand for payment.

at home i have been cleaning up a lot and now it’s time for a sidewalk flea market. i don’t want to do it cause i hate the ants. they’ll get into all my stuff and then i have to carry back what didn’t sell and ants ants ants. forget it.
there is a sunday fleamarket thingie in town, inside a building - an air conditioned building, and i’d like to go for that but when i asked all my friends that drive they weren’t interested in fleamarketing. ah well. it wil happen sometime this summer cause i’m not living another winter with all this shit in the middle of my bedroom.

and that’s about all from my corner of the globe.

i spent the morning doing nothing. well ok drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes is more than nothing. and i got paid for it so…….yeah on a rethink here i did more than nothing.

the nothingness of nothing. and i got paid for it. bahahahahahahaha.

anyway, moving on………i spent the afternoon getting the boss a new chair.

an exciting life i has.

uh huh, yup, uh huh, uh huh, yup. i’m not goin nuts. nope. no sir. not me.

and i got paid for it. bahahahahahahahahaha………….

her opinions are strong and they’re the only ones that make any sense so…….she’s always right. ain’t that nice.

everything from why i don’t trust the general public and want to wind up the car windows, as well as lock the car doors, when my shopping bags are inside and we’re gone into the next store to why the sky is blue.
if only i could be right for once. just once. not all the time just…once. hmmmmmm.

if only i weren’t considered paranoid or naggish or foolish or STUPID. if only.

sad is me. who knew my behaviour was so backwards and S T O O P I D.

oh i know. next time i go shopping on my own.
next time i have a great relaxing day off  and wander the aisles of the mall on my own.
next time i take as long as i like for coffee.
next time i whack people with my purse if i want to.
next time blah blah blah…..ya get the picture???

yeah……shoot me. it’ll hurt less.

it’s also fun, i’ve found things i have long forgotten about. and then i threw them out. i worked with someone once who said “if we haven’t used it in the last 6 months throw it out”.
well some of my junk hasn’t seen the light of day in around 8 years. out it went.
i found adapters, usb cord thingies, and chargers that i have no idea what it belonged to. all gone to the garbage bin. i feel bad about wasting so much stuff. fuck knows what it belonged to. like they say, after you throw it out you’ll find a use for. but i’ve watched enough episodes of Hoarders and it all went to the trash.

i was at loose ends after this dejunking kick and called a girlfriend to go shopping. NO the irony of this is not lost on me.
i threw out 6 pairs of jeans that i really didn’t like and bought a very nice new pair new-to-me pair. we hit every second hand store we could find and had the time to make it to in one day. i got three tops and a vintage Guess purse for $27. it’ll come in handy in florida, i leave on tuesday. of all my purses i didn’t have one for summer. that’s just wrong.

went to winners cause, well, it was on the way to the next second hand shop. i shouldn’t have gone in. should have stayed in the car. shouldn’t. i went in and couldn’t leave without it. it is a huge red bag. looks like a handbag but is the size of a suitcase. love it.

there are crows outside my window as i’m typing this. they’re sitting in the trees squawking and now flying by. crows are said to be messengers but as i don’t speak crow i have no idea what they’re on about.

i scrubbed the garbage can with vim, it was the only thing i can find to get rid of the grease. and then i attacked….

the crows are back.

………the floor around the stove, it was covered in grease. the cat hair sticks to the grease and well i’m sure you get the picture. the stove got a good cleaning and then i got tired and went for a shower. i’ll find something else to clean tomorrow.

hate cleaning and doing it in small amounts at a time works best for this witch. besides a sparkling clean house is an unhappy one.

get lost crows.

now it seems there is another jabba. this one not so ugly but more fat.
lazy is the word that hangs over his head, is imprinted on his forehead and eminates from his aura.

he has back problems and i have sympathy for these people cause i’ve had my own back issues and it isn’t easy. this week he has complained to another coworker that no one seems to understand his misery, that people think he’ll get better “all of a sudden” when his pain medication is finished.

i felt bad for him and i even stuck up for him when i heard “these people” he referred to slagging him off. silly stupid me. i turned my back for 5 minutes and he was sticking a knife in it.

i was asked by one to the supervisors for help with a report he was writing which was due that day. i had work to do for my own supervisor but this was nothing that couldn’t wait an hour or two. this guy had a report due that day and so i put him first.
i left the office afterwards for a coffee and a smoke cause i had worked right through break. i got SUMMONED back to the office by a dinasour of a supervisor who believes this Jabba #2 can’t do any wrong and demanded an explanation as to why the books were still lying on the table and not seen to.

i can imagine what Jabba #2 said to him. my explanation did nothing for his temper and Jabba #2 was sitting in his chair, or as much of his fat ass as he could stuff into it, looking sideways at me. guilt is an easily recognized emotion fat ass. hope you enjoyed the show Jabba cause i’m getting the cauldron out.

Jabba #2 has been writing evaluation reports for days now and it isn’t his forte. it’s been driving him nuts. he even asked me to write one, as i had nothing to do at the moment (and i hate writing them too) i said yeah, give me one. i had it hand written in an hour (i learned to write before we got computers) and typed in 15 minutes. consider saving it and printing it and then hand delivering it – i was done in an hour and a half. Jabba hasn’t finished one yet and he’s been at it all week.

have a good day fat ass.

the fogs presence this week allowed me to see something i’ve never seen before, the grey of the winter. yes in my near 45 years i have never actually seen what gives people SAD.

i was on the balcony having a ciggie and the fog was present yet again. as i sat there i noticed it. i noticed it for the first time in my life and i felt it.
i felt it in the bones of my body and the furthest back of my mind that you can go.

i had a friend once who lost an entire year of university and the tuition that goes with it. she couldn’t go to class, she couldn’t even get off the sofa.
she would spend her days lying around watching tv in her pajamas. when her roomates got home from class she’d put on a happy face and chat with them about her day – at school.
she flew to ottawa to see her parents for christmas and during the flight she lost it. she’d had enough, she didn’t know what was wrong with her and had no idea why she didn’t have any energy for life. the stranger beside her held her hand and told her everything would be alright.
she finally did consult a doctor and found instead of a mental illness she had a vitamin D deficiency.

she finished school and is now married with children and a great career.

now that the fog inside my head has lifted i can see the fog outside. i see reality, i see a dull picture painted from winters palette.

used to be that winter never bothered me, i actually looked forward to the season. i’m not a fan of bugs and sweating and body acne, winter suited me just fine. now, however, i see what the rest of the world does. i see their fog.