Archive for February, 2010

living in a fog

it’s been rainy this week, lots and lots of rainy, some wind and then some fog.

the fogs presence this week allowed me to see something i’ve never seen before, the grey of the winter. yes in my near 45 years i have never actually seen what gives people SAD.

i was on the balcony having a ciggie and the fog was present yet again. as i sat there i noticed it. i noticed it for the first time in my life and i felt it.
i felt it in the bones of my body and the furthest back of my mind that you can go.

i had a friend once who lost an entire year of university and the tuition that goes with it. she couldn’t go to class, she couldn’t even get off the sofa.
she would spend her days lying around watching tv in her pajamas. when her roomates got home from class she’d put on a happy face and chat with them about her day – at school.
she flew to ottawa to see her parents for christmas and during the flight she lost it. she’d had enough, she didn’t know what was wrong with her and had no idea why she didn’t have any energy for life. the stranger beside her held her hand and told her everything would be alright.
she finally did consult a doctor and found instead of a mental illness she had a vitamin D deficiency.

she finished school and is now married with children and a great career.

now that the fog inside my head has lifted i can see the fog outside. i see reality, i see a dull picture painted from winters palette.

used to be that winter never bothered me, i actually looked forward to the season. i’m not a fan of bugs and sweating and body acne, winter suited me just fine. now, however, i see what the rest of the world does. i see their fog.


end of time

i’m waiting for a friend to pick me up, we’re going skating. stand by for broken bones. that can happen at my age right? break a bone just falling as far as the ground you’re standing on?

she has to walk her bull mastiff first and then head over to pick me up.

my mother called today and gave an update on my uncle, he’s dying of cancer. not sure what kind but who cares, it’s gonna get him anyway.
he’s never been a big person, always been no more than just skin and bones. always envied him that never getting fat and all. now that cancer is feeding off him it’s like buzzards trying feed off a skeleton.
there’s just nothing there for the cancer to get.

i haven’t seen him in years. the doc gave him 8 to 10 months with treatment and far less without it. he’s had one round of treatment and was on his way for more but got sick before he could get to the hospital.
they live quite a trek from the hospital.
i suspect he may not last much longer so i may never see him again at least in this life.

i feel kind of bad for his wife. i say kind of bad cause she’s always looked down her nose at me. ah well. i hope he gets the 10 months at least. she doesn’t need more misery in her life i guess.

they got engaged when she was 15 and he was 16. it was a different time.
they’ve been married now i suppose 50 years or so. some things do last and it’s sad to see the end of something that worked – him and her.

18 lbs of fur and whiskers

there is 18 lbs of black fur and whiskers lying between me and the lap top at the moment. it’s inconvient, and he snores, but i love him.

yesterday i heard a kafuffle and the white cat scream.  i chased the sounds and found my very large black cat, now sitting still and the picture of complete innocence, with a chunk of white fur sticking out between his teeth.

today has been a write off as far as getting anything done. well part of the issue is lack of money cause i spent most of it getting prints framed.
and i’m really looking forward to seeing them done.
i may just put up a photo of them when they are.

the usual got done around here, all the domestic stuff. i was supposed to go to a movie with a friend but she worked all night and so slept all day. we’re going to try to do it this evening instead.
so while i wait i’m putting up this post and wishing my arms were longer. at least long enough to reach around a very large black pile of fur and whiskers.